Sunday, March 20, 2011

Venting on Vetting Jeans

After trying on 22 pairs of jeans to find one that would feel like it fits, but still being unsatisfied with the appearance, I must complain up a storm. This has to be my all time pet peeve. I am not young, but after pregnancy, that belly fat hangs on for dear life--FOREVER. Short of having lipo, it is like having a tattoo--nothing but surgery removes it.

Also, I'm 66 years old and unlike Britney Spears, I have hipbones and a waist line. Do I really need to look like a five dollar hooker in a hurry to get to the next customer? I don't wish to wear off-the-hip anything. Nobody wants to see my bare midriff, so why do I need off-the-waist jeans?  My natural waist is an inch above my belly button, not an inch below my belly button. Yeah, I wear "granny jeans", so sue me!!!!!!!!!!!!! No matter which jeans I put on, the waistband slides off my prominent hipbones and slides up to my small waist to find my natural waist which incites a wedgie from hell that would inflame hemorrhoids requiring a visit to the proctologist. Boy jeans are not in my future. There is a great difference between the circumference of my butt and my waist.

I have already lifted the weight of five eighteen wheelers, and walked around the globe four times on a treadmill, but as much as I would like to lose another ten or fifteen pounds, preferably off my belly, it ain't gonna happen, not in this lifetime. Therefore, I have a message for the sadist who designs jeans for real women like me--cut the crap off my belly. I don't want three buttons, and a zipper three inches long with multiple layers of thread stitching, and four layers of denim adding another ten pounds to my belly. I don't want elastic sewn into the waist band adding five inches to my waistline. I don't want a baggy butt (excuse me, "Relaxed" fit). I don't have to wear diapers yet, so I don't want to look like I am reserving space for my future. As for the infamous butt crack--don't go there. I just want to look slim, without an enhanced belly and a baggy butt. 

I have a basic question for anyone who designs jeans for women: Why do women's jeans have to look like men's jeans? We have no reason to unzip the front to go potty. The side zipper works much better for sitting on the throne. To give credit where due, they did one thing right, they combined lycra with denim. So when I buy jeans in a size too small just to corral my belly, at least I can breathe. However, I do worry about developing DVT. The best fit I have found to date has been Gloria Vanderbilt Amanda jeans.  

Now that I've bled venom all over, I have a simple solution. I will just have to return to sewing and make a "get real" pair of jeans for myself. The jeans I make will have a left side invisible zipper. The waist band will be the exact circumference of my natural waist with a very flat button and button hole. The waist will have the absolute minimum of fabric to avoid adding pounds where none exist, and no elastic other than the lycra woven into the fabric. There will be no pockets in the front because I don't need them to hide my hands or a woody. I carry a purse for my keys, spectacles, cell phone, and plastic cards. I will put pockets over my floppy butt so that they look firm when I walk so I don't have to wear Spanx. Thankfully, my butt is getting flatter with age, however, it is floppy. I have a long body and short legs. If I make my own jeans, I can make them with the right inseam and as long or short as I need because I always have to hem any pants I buy anyway. They have tailors for men to custom make their clothes. I wonder if a seamstress does custom jeans for ladies (not girls), ladies of enhanced years.


  1. R.J. I love this! Being only 4ft 10inches I too need to cut and hem jeans that I nuy. I think the smallest amount I have ever chopped off is 4 inches.

  2. Well, if you are successful, you may have a new career in your future! I have given up wearing jeans for many of the reasons you cite, but the truth is that my waist size and my hip size have grown closer together as the years go by. So I have found that men's pants fit me better than women's.

    I have a closet full of jeans I can no longer wear comfortably. Most of them I bought from Lands' End, which tailors them more than most places do.

  3. You have won an ward see:

  4. I also will take do much time to choose my fitting jeans. I have never tried this jeans. Thanks for your recommendation.

  5. Just so you know "Womens Jeans" advertiser, I don't wear "low rise" anything and that is what your web site advertises. I see belly buttons on those pictures and I cover my belly button. I don't wear cowboy boots so why do I need a "boot cut"? Men who design jeans for women don't know what they are doing. They try to make women look as they think men want women to look, not how women want to look.