Thursday, December 16, 2010

The Last Dress

As I consider our New Year's Eve occasion with friends, wardrobe considerations do not include a dress. That particular evening in my neck of the woods often includes cold, either snowy or rainy weather which, in my mind, excludes a dress. I still love the little black dress with black stockings and heels because it gives me a long, slim look. Long dresses suit me more than mid-calf or knee length dresses--both make me look short and fat. Dresses at mid-thigh look better on me than mid-calf. Dark, solid color dresses look better than colors or patterns on my weird shape.

I cannot recall the last time I wore a dress. I think it was in 2007 for a formal occasion. It would take a formal wedding at this time to get me into a dress. I haven't bought a dress in such a long time, I don't even know my size. The last wedding I attended was outdoors and I wore a pantsuit. I like dark, solid pattern pantsuits with some frilly neck treatment or eye-popping jewelry. I really prefer feminine pantsuits to dresses because my extra ten pounds and my short stature find it to be more friendly. The jackets in pantsuits hide a multitude of sins which I favor at my age. If I choose to wear high heels, pants make me look even taller, but I don't choose to wear high heels too often. My feet thank me at the end of the day when I wear two-inch heels rather than five-inch heels.

I don't mind my legs showing when wearing a skirt, because my gene pool doesn't include cellulite or varicose veins. I just find slacks are so much more comfortable even though I don't sit in any unladylike contortions. Ask any guy if he would like to wear skirts. I'm still trying to get the charm of kilts other than the obvious titillation of "going commando". I never have to think twice about "upskirting" when I climb stairs in my slacks, which is a plus to my sensibilities. The TSA won't have to waste their time searching me due to trying to wear a skirt on an airplane. I can't understand why anyone would want to wear a skirt on a plane--you never know when you are going to land in the Hudson or have to slide down an escape chute.

The basic black slacks can flatter any top, shiny or plain. I have a huge wardrobe of black dressy slacks so I prefer switching tops or buying only tops rather than paying for a dress that quickly becomes old news. Basic black slacks are even more versatile than the little black dress. I like sleeves to keep my arms warm in the winter and little black dresses look better sleeveless and low-cut. IMHO ladies over the age of fifty clearly look their age in sleeveless, low-cut dresses. The skin ages and looks like crepe--end of story. Age-appropriate is a lovely euphemism.